Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The best revenge is premature balding
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
