I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
