While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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