i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
