Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
