guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize