is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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