My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize