He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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