i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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