how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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