it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
