just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
