My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
