I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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