So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
