im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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