i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
