dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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