I can text with my tongue
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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