You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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