I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Farmville is her only friend.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
