Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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