If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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