I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
