honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
