My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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