I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
