put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize