Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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