He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
A bitchslap is in order.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
