apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
