maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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