i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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