When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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