I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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