I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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