My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
