I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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