I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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