I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
