I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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