I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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