apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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