I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
