The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
