Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
what day is it and did you see me today?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
