Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
