i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
