if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
