dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
