ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
