oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
