I wish I could teleport
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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