If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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