My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
