I skipped work to stalk him.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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