Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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