We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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