I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
