I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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