You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
