I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
