So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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