dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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