She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
