I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
