maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize