What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
