I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
