Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
